It Hurts

Sunday, Dec. 12, 2004 at 9:10 p.m.

I feel heartbroken. I feel like I can't escape. I feel like I put everything I had into him and truely believed he'd be there in the end. I never for a day doubted he wouldn't want me. Why doesn't he want me? I got so comfortable with him. I give him my heart and soul. I would have given him everything he could have ever wanted and he ruined it.

It hurts to not be in his arms. It hurts to not be calling him, or knowing I wont see him in 3 days. It hurts so bad cause I wanted him so badly. In 3 months I fell for him, would have given anything just to be with him.

It saddens me because when everyone doubted the future of our relationship I saw one. I saw something in him very few people did. And I was so attracted to him.

Will he make a mistake? Will he wish this didn't happen? I dunno. My heart says yes. Please come back to me sean, you define happiness for me. But my mind says, he'll only hurt you in the end...ain't love grand?

I know he hates Daniel, but Daniel warned me of this. Although Daniel's reasoning isn't always the same as mine. He said I'd get hurt. And I did. He told me to live freely, have fun with Sean, but don't put your heart into it. Don't give him something he's not worth having. Daniel's always mean to people though so you can't take all of this seriously. But he was right about me getting hurt.

Why did I get hurt though? Why did I fall for him? What's so special about him that I didn't see in VanWormer or whatever? I know everything happens for a reason, but this is just screwed up. I want my heart back. I want to feel nothing for him. I want everything I ever gave him back. I just want to stop crying and missing him, because that's all I ever do.

Daniel called me back tonight. He lefted me a voicemail that said, "You sounded like shit on my voicemail, if you need to talk I'm here." Right now I just want to curl into a ball in Dan's arms and just cry my eyes out until nothing more comes out. Then fall asleep there because I know when I wake up I'm going to have that gut wreching pain in my stomach that makes me want to cry and scream, and just run. And I'll need someone there to calm me down and wipe the tears away so I can fall asleep again...

Man....it hurts...

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